"Because it isn't just concerts and surfing and the high points, and it isn't just those beautiful moments in the midst of the everyday and mundane; it is also in the tragic and the gut wrenching moments when we cannot escape the simple fact that there is way more going on around us than we realize."
Something I realised when my brother died, is just how tragedy is all around. I know that probably makes no sense seeing as I actively choose to try and see beauty in things, but I'm pretty sure it is not untill you are living in total pain, that you begin to realise the pain that is around you. You become aware of people that have no idea of the pain, and people that are living through so much more than you that you don't have a right to hurt. You measure people by their ability to understand and the people who think they understand but really don't.
Aswell as choosing to attempt to find glimpses of beauty in the mundane, I also choose to believe that as Rob Bell said "there is way more going on around us than we realise."
I've had to not see some people, not talk to others, because they are so unhelpful and unhealthy for a person in grief. Do you know what? Three and a half years on. I am okay with that. It's necessary. Some people, no matter how they think they are, really aren't good for me. And I am okay with it.
I want to spend my time with people who think about more than their next purchase, people who don't overspiritualise the smallest things, people who havn't left their humanity behind. People who think, who are acting out their words, people with integrity, character, and passion. And I am okay with that.
But most importantly, I want to be a person who is helpful for others in grief and pain. I don't want to be one of those people that others avoid. I want to be a person full of love and compassion.
THAT is beauty, bitches boooooi! (As Rhys would say.)
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3 comments:
Rhi,
I just wanted to tell you again how sorry I am for your loss. I cannot imagine the pain you must be feeling. I really do not know the right things to say when something like this happens.
All I know is that if you ever need a friend, someone to talk to, or scream at, or just cry with, I am here. I know we don't really "know" each other, and we are thousands of miles apart, but I really feel a connection with you on an artistic level as well as a human level.
So, please, just remember that you always have a smile, a hug or a shoulder waiting for you should you ever need it!
love,
deanna
i think that your idea of tragedy being in continuous circulation makes absolute sense, it relates to the fact that once you notice something you begin to see it everywhere. [yellow cars, white vans, people's eyebrows, strange objects passengers carry on the tube]
having never experienced a bereavement i can not and will not pretend to be able to imagine the grief you have experienced and do now. "You become aware of people that have no idea of the pain, and people that are living through so much more than you that you don't have a right to hurt." but this is the crux of it, this is the core, the downward spiral where you think, "there are so many who have it worse, people who are paralysed or have lost their whole family or have seen executions. so many more who are injured and so i have no right to be like this, to feel like this. and yet i do." and noticing that you are a small pebble on a big beach is a step towards humility, and it's a good thing, feeling that miserable, i think, because you become less selfish. but when you're still agonised. well. i don't know what.
"I want to spend my time with people who think about more than their next purchase, people who don't overspiritualise the smallest things, people who havn't left their humanity behind. People who think, who are acting out their words, people with integrity, character, and passion." so do i. oh god. so do i.
love always x x x x i don't know if you're in wales or london any time soon but, you know, offer's still on for fabric shopping down broadwick street and crafting on primrose hill. if you want to.
i love you
i truly do xxxx
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